Let Go

We met in college, my 1st husband and I. He was nice and paid attention to me, a shy girl who rarely went on dates. We started dating and a few months later he proposed. I said yes.

After we were married, the problems started. The warnings were there prior to our wedding, but I had ignored them not really knowing any better. Life was supposed to get better after marriage, right?

I knew I would never give him children when he woke up in the middle of the night and threw my cat against the walk because Checkers walked across him.

His dream was to be a photojournalist. I encouraged him to follow his dreams because that's what wives do and I stood by him while he pursued his dream. We went to Ohio so he could attend a top school.

It was there that it really got worse. Everything that went wrong in his life or that he imagined went wrong, was my fault. He didn't get the class he wanted - my fault. He didn't pass a test - my fault. The river flooded us into our rental home - my fault.

Jealousy followed me everywhere. His professor mentioned once I was a better photographer then he was - he put my photography down at every opportunity. I even quit photography to make him happy. If he saw me talking to a male classmate I must be having an affair. I withdrew from having friends.

Sadly, none of that helped. He had his own demons he was fighting. He decided one day to use his fists on me to fight them. The day I showed up at a friends in tears and bruises and she escorted me to the emergency was the start of my freedom from his terror.

The journey to freedom would take another 20+ years.

I tried for years to let go of my resentment for him and how he treated me to no avail. I held onto it like a frazzled old teddy bear that had long ago lost is usefulness in keeping me comfortable.

On this last day of 2016, while driving over Stevens Pass I began thinking about the progress of my photography from those early years in film. And I thought of my 1st husband and how at time he struggled with photography and wondered how he might be doing. I wondered if he had finally found a path that would give him joy. I hoped that he was happy and doing well in his life.

And realized that I had finally forgiven him and let go of my anger and resentment.

I smiled for myself and sent a little wish of well being to him, wherever he is.