Let Go

We met in college, my 1st husband and I. He was nice and paid attention to me, a shy girl who rarely went on dates. We started dating and a few months later he proposed. I said yes.

After we were married, the problems started. The warnings were there prior to our wedding, but I had ignored them not really knowing any better. Life was supposed to get better after marriage, right?

I knew I would never give him children when he woke up in the middle of the night and threw my cat against the walk because Checkers walked across him.

His dream was to be a photojournalist. I encouraged him to follow his dreams because that's what wives do and I stood by him while he pursued his dream. We went to Ohio so he could attend a top school.

It was there that it really got worse. Everything that went wrong in his life or that he imagined went wrong, was my fault. He didn't get the class he wanted - my fault. He didn't pass a test - my fault. The river flooded us into our rental home - my fault.

Jealousy followed me everywhere. His professor mentioned once I was a better photographer then he was - he put my photography down at every opportunity. I even quit photography to make him happy. If he saw me talking to a male classmate I must be having an affair. I withdrew from having friends.

Sadly, none of that helped. He had his own demons he was fighting. He decided one day to use his fists on me to fight them. The day I showed up at a friends in tears and bruises and she escorted me to the emergency was the start of my freedom from his terror.

The journey to freedom would take another 20+ years.

I tried for years to let go of my resentment for him and how he treated me to no avail. I held onto it like a frazzled old teddy bear that had long ago lost is usefulness in keeping me comfortable.

On this last day of 2016, while driving over Stevens Pass I began thinking about the progress of my photography from those early years in film. And I thought of my 1st husband and how at time he struggled with photography and wondered how he might be doing. I wondered if he had finally found a path that would give him joy. I hoped that he was happy and doing well in his life.

And realized that I had finally forgiven him and let go of my anger and resentment.

I smiled for myself and sent a little wish of well being to him, wherever he is.

My Favorite Photos from 2016

A Baker's Dozen

Twenty-sixteen was at times a stressful year, at times busy and always an adventure. Here are my favorite images from 2016, in no real order. Hope one of your favorites made the list.

1. Little English Daisy - composite image - I continued my journey creating composite and textured images of flowers this year. It's exciting for me to create these images as if a real artisic potential exists. This was one of my favorites this year.

2. Moon and Silos - while journeying into Eastern Washington with a group of fellow Mountaineer photographers, we stopped in this little town known for it's old crumbling schoolhouse. We were hoping to photograph stars above the schoolhouse. As we waited, a truck drove by us on the dirt road kicking up dust that spread a bit like a fog near the silos. I liked the color in the sky with the moon and the added "atmosphere". 

3. Stars above Umatilla Rock - on the same trip as the image above, after we left the schoolhouse we made it back to camp at Dry Falls State Park. I ventured out to capture the stars above Umatilla Rock and Voc Meyers Lake.

4. Autumn Ptarmigan - sometimes walking alone in the wilderness can lead to some serendipitous moments. But this was along side the road near Heather Meadows at Mt Baker. I startled her and her family. As the others ducked for cover, she watched me with a wary eye as I snapped a few photos. A perfect moment, perfect exposure, perfect background.

5. Mt Rainier in Autumn - for me this image captures the magic of autumnal change in the mountains. As the lower slopes are brilliant with color, the upper slopes are quickly covered in snow.

6. Silver Fox - talk about another serendipitous moment. While I was photographing a scene on San Juan Island this little guy snuck up behind me to watch what I was doing. I turned around and he trotted off a bit then looked over his shoulder at me. We hung out for about 20 minutes. It was a special moment that I will always cherish.

7. Hailee - this was an image that I imagined the minute Hailee agreed to meet me a Lake Sylvia State Park for her senior photos. The park has a wonderful old rustic covered bridge the I thought would have some great diffused light. With Hailee's long neck and legs I knew she'd be beautiful here.

8. Cooper - this was just a fun photo of my friend's dog while we were playing in the snow. Cooper just looked so happy on top of the hill.

9. Gather Together - spring in a marsh will often have ducks and ducklings swimming around. I rarely consider myself a wildlife photographer, just don't have the patience for it. But when I'm given an opportunity of ducks casually hanging out in the same area as I am, I can't resist. 

10. The Colors of Spring - Eastern Washington in the spring is filled with colors. This Skeleton of a barn sat at the base of a hill with the flower-filled hills beyond. A scene from a pastel dream.

11. Zillah - while on a backpack through the Buckhorn Wilderness in the Olympics, we took a brief break to admire the scenery. Zillah on the other hand decided to take a catnap in one of the most scenic areas of the trip.

12. Sunset at Illahee - talk about a perfect setting. Two sailboats moored offshore from Illahee State Park, almost perfectly framing Mt Rainier when ferry passes. Great timing with beautiful evening light.

13. Wild Turkey - This year seemed to give me ample practice in wildlife photography. Often serendipitous moments as I stumbled across critters. This turkey was no different. As I was driving along the road at Dry Falls State Park, I spotted him next to the road.